Why Feedback Gets a Bad Rap
Let’s be honest, most of us don’t look forward to giving or getting feedback. For a lot of people, it feels awkward or risky. That’s not surprising when you consider how badly it can go. A poorly worded comment from a boss or coworker can stick in your head for months.
At the same time, feedback matters. Work, relationships, and even simple teamwork all need people to talk about what’s going well or not. We just need better ways to do it—methods that help everyone learn but don’t sting.
What Makes Feedback Compassionate?
There’s this idea going around now called “compassionate feedback.” It means noticing what you want to change, but saying it in a way that’s kind and shows you care. Instead of hitting someone with what they did wrong, you think about how it will land for them.
People who use this approach don’t sugarcoat everything or avoid real talk. They just make sure the other person feels seen and respected. It’s a little bit like helping a friend—direct, but on their side.
This shift is picking up speed, especially among younger managers who grew up on group projects and teamwork. Teams led with kindness tend to be more open to improvement and less defensive.
Why Classic Feedback Methods Fall Short
The usual ways of giving feedback often miss the mark. Some people remember the “compliment sandwich,” where you wrap criticism between praise. But let’s face it, everyone figures that trick out, and it stops feeling sincere.
Other times, feedback comes at weird times, or it’s so vague that no one knows what to do with it. Worse, sometimes people get feedback in public, where it’s harder to digest or respond.
We now know that harsh or thoughtless feedback can create stress and kill motivation. Research shows people remember negative comments much longer than positive ones. If it’s clumsy or personal, it can even make someone less likely to take risks or share ideas.
What Actually Works in Giving Feedback?
It turns out, the best feedback is usually clear, kind, and points people somewhere useful. You want to say exactly what you noticed, not just make a general statement. The more specific you are, the more helpful your feedback becomes.
Another biggie is empathy. Before saying anything, most great managers pause to imagine how it might feel for the other person to hear it. Is it a rough day? Does the person seem anxious? That makes a world of difference in how the advice lands.
Instead of saying, “You always show up late,” it’s better to say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been ten minutes late a couple of times this week—is something up?” This avoids making it sound like an attack and shows you care.
A growing body of research backs up this idea—clear, caring feedback builds trust and actually encourages people to improve.
Popular Feedback Frameworks That Help, Not Hurt
A lot of teams now use established frameworks that focus on growth. One of the best-known is SBI—Situation, Behavior, Impact. Here’s how it goes: you describe the precise situation, what you observed, and how it affected the team or project.
There’s also the “Feedforward” method. Instead of just picking apart what happened, you ask, “What can we do next time?” This sets a positive tone and avoids getting stuck in old mistakes.
Radical Candor is another big name. It’s about caring personally and challenging directly. The author behind it, Kim Scott, worked at Google, where open and honest feedback was the norm, but it always had to come with respect and kindness.
Each of these frameworks tries to build a habit of sharing feedback in ways that help, not hurt. They all encourage people to focus on what can be changed, not just what went wrong.
How to Refine Your Own Feedback Style
Most of us learn feedback the hard way—through trial, error, and a few awkward moments. But it gets easier if you pay attention to how you naturally talk to people.
Think about your go-to style. Are you direct? Do you talk around problems hoping people get the hint? Are you afraid of hurting feelings and say nothing at all? Once you know your instinct, you can start to tweak it.
A good move is to test compassionate frameworks with low-stakes conversations. Try giving kudos first and see how the person reacts. Later, experiment with more clear or specific notes. Over time, it’ll feel more comfortable and less like a script.
Reading books like “Radical Candor” or practicing methods like SBI in real life can help. But the real test is listening to how your feedback lands and watching how people respond.
Stories from the Real World
At one nonprofit in Chicago, a new director tried a strict, no-nonsense feedback system after taking the lead. People stopped raising their hands in meetings, and the best junior manager quit after six months.
Later, when they shifted to more open conversations—asking questions, making room for ideas—the mood completely changed. People started sharing creative solutions again, and turnover dropped.
On the other hand, a local coffee shop owner thought he was being compassionate by never mentioning mistakes. Over time, though, staff became frustrated, repeating avoidable errors without knowing why. Customers noticed, and reviews started slipping.
He finally set thirty-minute one-on-ones, using the SBI method. He started each meeting with honest praise and one clear change request. After a few weeks, both staff morale and coffee quality bounced back.
Stories like these repeat in all kinds of workplaces. When feedback is either too harsh or too soft, people tune out. But direct, caring feedback makes a huge difference.
Bringing Better Feedback to Teams
If you’re in charge of a team—or want your office to run smoother—compassionate feedback is a skill worth building. Training helps, but so does making space for it to happen.
Some companies now do monthly training where people practice writing feedback on sticky notes. Others encourage “learning out loud” sessions, where staff recap what’s gone well, what hasn’t, and what to try next.
The trick is to build a habit of feedback that people expect, so it never feels like a personal attack. Team leaders do best when they show vulnerability, too—sharing times when they’ve learned from feedback themselves.
Even outside traditional offices—in remote teams or volunteer groups—the same principles apply. When people feel safe sharing, they come up with better ideas and push the group forward.
If you’re curious about practical ways teams build a positive culture, check out fundraising projects like Coffee Chocolate Fundraising. They’ve had some success using open, supportive communication to keep volunteers motivated and things running smoothly.
So, Is Feedback Getting Kinder?
Companies are waking up to the fact that harsh words don’t get better results. There will always be tough conversations, but more leaders now treat feedback as a skill, not a nerve-wracking chore.
The payoff is clear: better working relationships, more trust, and teams who actually want to learn. If you’re just getting started, focus on clear, specific phrases, use kind words, and check in to see how your words are received.
Change won’t happen overnight. But if you’d rather have honest, useful chats with your boss, your team, or even your friends, it might be worth trying some of these frameworks. The new way of giving feedback is more about helping others than just pointing out problems.
So far, it’s working out for teams that give it an honest shot. Over time, hopefully, the awkward, painful feedback moments will start to fade into the background. And that’s a change most of us can get behind.